Tonight I put pictures of my son on Facebook. He was born 2 weeks ago today, on February 26, 2013 at 4:50pm. 13 inches long, 626 grams (1 pound 6 ounces), 24 weeks gestation, and absolutely beautiful. The only thing is, he passed away before I was able to deliver him. I will talk more about this later, but for right now my stomach is in knots as I wait to see how those beyond my close circle of family and friends will respond to his pictures. I miss him so much sometimes it feels as though I will never be able to eat again, that I want to throw something, and shout up to heaven, give him BACK! I want him back, I want to hold him, to kiss him, to feel him in my arms one more time. Please God. Just one more time. But really, I know that would never be enough. That always and forever I will want more time with him. So all I can do is cry helplessly and try with everything in me to remember each little detail about holding him that night. How my lips fit perfectly right over his eyes when I kissed him. How it felt to stroke his cheek and have his fingers wrapped around mine. How his foot was as big as my thumb- those big Meyer/Michalik feet from my side of the family. How I wished so much I could know what color his eyes would have been. How proud I was of that handsome face that looked just like his Daddy's.
But for now, all I can do is wait for another comment to his pictures. I want them to say, he's perfect. Just beautiful. I was looking through Facebook earlier today, which for the past couple weeks for me has always been a bad idea. I closed the computer and walked passed my husband as he asked me what was wrong. Everyone has pictures of their babies, I said, and broke down. Why should I have to hide my baby? Why can't I share his face with the world? I"m so proud of him. I want everyone to know him, to never forget him. So Kevin and I decided, ok. We can. So I did.
I know it may be a little unorthodox, to put pictures up of what the world may see as a dead baby. But to me, they are pictures of our perfect son. They're pictures from the most beautiful and most painful moments of my life. Moments that will stay in my heart forever. I know it's his little body I am holding, but in my heart I believe God allowed his little spirit to come back and rest in our arms for those few hours, so that we could tell him goodbye. I believe this with all my heart not only because I need to desperately, but also because there was a change in his face from the time he was born to some minutes after we'd been holding him. His face became more peaceful, just like a healthy preterm baby sleeping peacefully in our arms. It was God's gift to us, and I will forever be grateful. And I pray that the world can see him as I see him. A blessed gift from above, a gorgeous baby boy.